First Published on Simplemost on June 24, 2016.
Pool season is in full swing. Time to break out the ol’ mom suit and dive in.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have a prime view of my neighborhood pool from my house, which means my kids have a prime view and they sit at our front window shouting out who is coming and going from the pool all day until I cave and we join the herd.
All that time in the water has given me a chance to observe my fellow pool-goers and identify the cast of characters. I am without a doubt the Toddler Mom and (against my will) the Snack Shop Mom.
My kids (2 and 4) truly believe they could qualify for Rio—they can’t. And, if these tiny death defying humans have an insatiable appetite for danger, it is nothing compared to their actual appetite for snacks.
When I’m not trying to keep my kids alive or fed, you can find me staring longingly at Bookclub Mom wondering how many more years it will be before my butt gets to sit in that lounge chair again.
See if you can spot these nine types of moms the next time you go to the pool.
1. The Toddler Mom
You will recognize her as the one carrying 15 Puddle Jumpers while living in constant fear of her children drowning, and with good reason. Her toddlers don’t or barely know how to swim, but they think they are Michael Phelps. She lives in fear because her children have none. They are running on the edge. They are jumping off the ledge. They are “look mommy I’m swimming” all over the darn pool in opposite directions.
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2. The “I Have More Snacks Than The Snack Shop” Mom
She has two pool bags—one for pool stuff, and one just for snacks. She has a cooler (of course), and it is big enough that it needs wheels. That sucker is well-packed too, with grapes and carrots and Capri Suns and enough sandwiches for everyone. She has chips, lollipops, fruit snacks and holy smokes! Are those popsicles? But how does she keep them frozen?
3. The SPF Super Mom
She sits under an umbrella, not a wrinkle on her porcelain complexion. She is wearing a sun hat and swim shirt and swim pants and hasn’t met a bottle of sunscreen with an SPF rating too high. Her children are outfitted much the same, in that no one can tell if they are dressed for swimming or a trip across the Sahara.
4. The Bookclub President
Her kids are older and they can swim, so she gets to read actual books. And magazines—piles of them. And Facebook statuses. And tweets about last night’s “Bachelorette.” And really whatever the heck-fire she wants, because she’s graduated to the next level.
5. The Too Too Tan Mom
Contrary to the SPF mama, this mom is gorgeously bronzed. We are all secretly hoping she has some amazing sunless tanning secret, but also can’t help but notice the tanning oil tucked in her tote. Either she’s never heard of skin cancer or doesn’t care. She is going to soak up every radiant drop of vitamin D, even if it quite literally kills her.
6. The Fit and Fabulous Mom
She is swimsuit perfection. She has muscles you can see, like really see. The pool isn’t just a neighborhood summer hangout, it’s another place to work on her fitness. She’s the one swimming laps while the rest of us are struggling to slip out of our cover-ups and into the water before anyone notices.
7. The “I Robbed A Pool Store” Mom
She has a float for each kid. Each kid’s float has a float. There was that one time she even brought an air mattress, because “go big, or go home.” She has no less than 75 dive sticks, and each one is perfectly labeled with black marker: “JONES.” Your kid is throwing a fit because he wants to play with a bucket and watering can? No problem—pool store mom has extra.
8. The “Is that Water Or Chardonnay In Her Cup?” Mom
She always has a water bottle. Always opaque. Her friends all have the same water bottle, and they laugh just a little too easily. She is in a better mood than anyone, and she has a twinkle in her eye that suggests she’s harboring a secret. That secret: Chardonnay.
9. The Lifeguard Mom
She might as well have a red bathing suit and whistle. She is a vigilant walking, talking pool safety sign. “No Running!” “No Diving” “You’re too close to the board!” She makes the real-life lifeguards nervous. But when she is there we all breathe a collective sigh of relief, because she is on it.
Who have you met at the pool?